If Only
by iKaroliina
Summary: Kate Beckett is unsure about her relationship with Josh after reading Royce's letter. What happens between her and Castle? Follows 3 last episodes of season 3. Rated T for safety. Major spoilers for last 3 episodes of season
1. To Love and Die in LA

_A/N: Hi. This is my first story here in FF. But I'm definitely not new to this site. So after almost three years of reading stories I decided to try and write my own. I've tried writing before but it really hasn't worked out. I know I can't write long multi-chapter stories cause I won't finish those so I better write only one-shots. _

_I started it after the episode "To Love and Die in LA" aired but I never finished it cause at that time I was writing it on my phone (I broke my MacBook) but now when my mac works again (it has been working whole summer) and I'm back watching old Castle episodes and reading Castle fanfics I finally finished it, although it took hours. _

_I hope you like it and review. _

_Disclaimer: I don't own Castle. _

_**If only. **_

Royce's letter got me thinking. I looked at Castle. He was sleeping peacefully next to me. I love him. I've loved him even before he went to the Hamptons with Gina. I think the time when I realized I was in love with him was when Coonan was holding Castle in hostage. It was Castle or truth about my mother's death. I chose Castle. I would always choose him.

When I looked at him I knew we would have a future together. I knew if I wouldn't have left the room after Castle's confession, something could've happened and in a way I was glad that Rick had went to his bedroom before I opened the door. It wasn't the right time yet.

At first I loved the busy lifestyle that me and Josh had, but now I feel like I need someone beside me and I know I have already find that person, but it's not Josh. I've never had that kind of need before but things about my mother's case have changed things.

Castle has been always there but Josh is always away in Japan, Haiti or any other country working. Sometimes it even feels like I am already in a relationship with Castle cause it feels so natural to be beside him every day. Most of the people who see us together for the first time think we are together. Even agent Shaw and Fallon saw it. I spend more time with Castle than Josh and I'm not against it. Castle can make me smile even when I've lost hope. All that Josh knows about my mother's death is that she died when I was 19 and that made me want to be a cop. That's all.

I would leave the things like they are with Castle until I end things with Josh.

The letter from Royce felt so heavy in my pocket. Even he saw that me and Castle belong together. I started to notice that more and more every day. I think if I wait any more then I can't hide my feelings anymore.

I watched watched him sleep peacefully as I hoped that someday he's face would be the first thing I see every morning. I've waited for this about two years now. I don't think I can wait any longer.

I can still feel his lips on mine from the only kiss we have had months ago. It was the sweetest and most passionate kiss I have ever had. I remember that I was about to shoot the guard as he wasn't buying our act, but Castle sensed what I was about to do and stopped me with crabbing my hand and pulling me into a kiss. It was unexpected. At first I was in shock but soon I relaxed against his soft and sweet lips. At that moment I realized how much I really wanted him. He pulled away too quickly from the kiss and without thinking I pulled him back to kiss him again. I forgot what we were really supposed to do until the guard snorted. I remembered, took my gun and hit him in the face with it as hard as I could. I bet that when Castle said "Amazing" he didn't meant the kick.

I was almost going to confess my feelings to Castle after the summer but he was dating his ex-wife again. It hurt to hear that and I had to find myself a distraction and that's when I found Josh.

I remember the day I broke up with Demming to be with Castle. My plan was ruined by Gina, who came to get Castle and go to Hamptons with him for the summer. In a way I'm clad that she stopped me. It hurt like hell but me and Castle weren't that close yet.

After Castle came back in fall our relationship started to get stronger. We developed a bond that's almost impossible to break. I fell in love with him even more. I almost confessed my feelings multiple times. One time was because of that actress who plays Nikki Heat in the movie. She was stealing everything from me. Even Castle. We shared too many near death experiences together. In freezer I think I almost told him I loved him but I passed out before I could to it. And the next day as we were standing in front of the bomb I took his had and looked him into the eyes with most loving look that I had. I basically told him I love him with my eyes.

When the plane landed I woke Castle up and we went home. We shared a cab riding home. Our ride was silent. As cab stopped in front of my apartment building I started to get out but Castle stopped me by taking my hand gently.

"Kate, I'm sorry. I know Royce was your friend and I know you loved him. But please don't feel guilty cause you last spoke when you arrested him." I heard concern in his voice. "If you need to talk call me."

I slowly pulled away from Castle. "Thank you. Good night."

"Until tomorrow," was Castle's answer as always. I got out of the cab and went home.

I unlocked my apartment door and found Josh standing there. He didn't look happy. He looked like he had been pacing back and forth my living room for hours. He stopped when he heard me coming.

"Where have you been?" He demanded. _Oops! _Looks like I forgot to tell him that I decided to go to LA. But still didn't mean that he had right to demand me around.

"I went to LA." I answered simply.

"Why?"

"I went there to solve one of my old friend's murder. You would've know it if you would've been around." I was angry and frustrated because he had been away. In Haiti. I had forgotten that he was going to come back when I was in LA. If he would've been in New York then I would've told him... maybe.

"So you went with that writer?"

"Why you think I went to LA with Rick?" I asked him. He had no right yo question me like that. He even wasn't concerned how I felt about Royce's murder.

"So, it's Rick now?" He asked with irritated voice.

"It's his name. Duh!" I answered. I was so mad at him.

"He goes everywhere with you."

"Yeah. I know. And yes I went to LA with him. But unlike him you weren't even around. You are never around." I practically screamed it in his face.

"What am I supposed to do then? Quit my job so I can wait you in home while you run around town chancing murderers with that Writer Boy." He yelled at my face.

I just laughed "You know it so funny that you call him Writer Boy. You know he has a nickname for you also. Every time he asks about you he refers to you as Doctor Motorcycle Boy. I even corrected him and told him Doctor Motorcycle 'Man' but now I think his right. You really are a boy."

He was surprised. "He asks about me?"

"Yeah. Once in a while he asks me how are you doing and how are things between us. In one day I even told him that I just was going crazy because of our relationship and then afterwards I told him that I think we might even have a chance when you didn't go to Haiti. But I think you have ruined your second chance. You still went to Haiti." He started to interrupt my speech but I wasn't finished yet so I put my hand over his mouth. "I know it's your job and you love it and I can't ask you to stop doing your job just so you could be with me. And you can't ask me to quit my job so I could come to Haiti or where ever with you. I think we are both holding each other back so I think it's best for both of us if we end this." I was clad that I finally said it. These past few moths we've constantly fought because of our jobs so now it was finally over.

"What?" He looked confused so I repleted myself.

"We. Are. Over. I don't think it's ever going to work out." I explained.

"Just like that?" He asked as he didn't get the point.

"Just like that." I answered.

"It's about Rick Castle, isn't it? I know you have feelings for him." I saw hurt in his eyes.

"It has nothing to do with Castle." I told him honestly. I wanted to be with Castle but still I didn't think it was going to work out even if there wasn't Castle in the picture.

"But you still have feelings for hm?" He asked.

I decided to be honest. "Yes. I do."

"How long?" He asked although I think he already knew the answer.

"I had feelings even before I met you. But our timing just hasn't been the best." I told him. I felt bad for using him for hiding from my feelings.

"I figured." He sighed and ran his hand through his hair. "So I guess this is it."

"Yeah." He came over to me. Put his hands on my shoulders and kissed the top of my head.

"I'm sorry for your friend and I hope you will be happy." He said into my hair and then he took his helmet and went. For forever.

As soon as door closed I broke down. Tears just kept coming. I had no idea why I was crying over this. All I could think was that now I was able to be with Castle. I loved Josh but not the way I love Rick. I can't imagine life without him. But I don't understand why it was so easy for me to break up Josh. I thought it would be harder.

_A/N: I hope you liked it. And please review. I would love to know you opinion on it. _

_I think I might even continue. I would just write little scenes between episodes. I hope I would have inspiration to do it but only if you inspire me. _


	2. Pretty Dead

_A/N: Hi, my dear readers. So I continue this story. It continues from the actual ending not the AU ending tha__t I just had to write. _

_I'm gonna write another chapter "Knockout" and then I might even write an epilog but I'm not sure about that yet. _

_So here it goes. _

_Warning: My first language is Estonian so I might have some mistakes (I've been learning English for 6 years so far)_

_Disclaimer: I don't own Castle._

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><p><em><strong>Pretty Dead<strong>_

As Montgomery went on a date with his wife we all decided to go home. His present to his wife was a little shocking but Montgomery had retired many times before. The boys knew it but Castle had no idea so they acted like they were mad of Castle because thanks to him Montgomery decided to retire again. I pulled Castle out of misery and told him about Montgomery retiring all the time.

I walked to my desk to take my things and go home. Castle followed me.

"Hey, so, I've been meaning to ask you. Did Alexis make a decision about Ashley?" I was curious how the things turned out. I liked Alexis very much and I cared about her.

"Oh, she did, actually. She decided it was, uh worth the risk and she's going to just keep showing up." Castle answered.

I was happy for Alexis. She was a nice girl. But I felt like Castle's answer wasn't only about Ashley and Alexis. It felt like he was talking about himself to. I wondered if I should tell him about what happened between me and Josh. I decided not yet. I just had broke up with him last week. So I simply said to him "It's a good choice."

I hoped that some day I would be brave enough to risk my heart and tell Castle about my feelings. I hoped that this day would come soon. I still was afraid what might happen between us if I told him about my feelings. I know we both had feelings towards each other but we've never confessed.

I think it scared me also because of Castle's previous relationships. It seemed like he had married twice without love. I get it that he felt responsible to marry Meredith because of Alexis. And he even married Gina so Alexis would have a mother figure. But I saw that he had only once been in love and that only girl was the one that got away. I wondered how strong were the feelings that he had for me. I didn't want to be just another girl in Castle's black book. But that was just a silly thought. The tension between us was too strong for something so meaningless. I had a feeling that Castle was my 'one and done'.

We shared a short moment looking into each others eyes before I said "See you tomorrow." and walked away.

Castle simply answered "See you tomorrow."

As I reached home I felt so lonely. I had dated Josh for nine months. It was the longest relationship I had ever had. I once dated some grunge rocker for seven months to piss of my dad. I was then a teenager. I dated Will Sorenson for six months. We were in love but he got promotion and had to move to Boston. I didn't follow him. I realized that me and Castle had one relationship in common. Both our partners went away and we didn't follow them.

Once Castle asked me "How do you know if you're in love?" I simply answered "All the songs make sense." I didn't realize how true that actually was. I admit. I'm in love with Castle. I want to wake up next to him every day. I want to marry him someday. I want to make little Castle babies like Madison once said. I want to grow old with him beside me. I've never felt something like this before.

I thought about calling Castle and asking him to come over but my thought was interrupted by a knock on my door. I got up from the couch wondering who would come over this late, unlocked the door and opened it. On the other side of the door was the person who had just been in my thoughts.

"Castle? What are you doing here?" He looked confused and down.

"Are you alone?" He asked quietly. He thought that Josh might be here. I felt guilty that I hadn't told him about the break up yet.

"Yes. Come in." I said and let him in. He sat on the couch. I wondered what's happened that he looked so down and miserable. He looked like he needed a friend and a drink.

"Can I get you something to drink?" I asked although I already knew the answer.

"Something alcoholic." I nodded and went to kitchen.

I took two wine classes and a bottle of wine with me. I walked back to the couch where Castle was sitting and sat down next to him. I placed the wine classes on the table and poured some wine for both of us. We took our classes and took a sip.

I waited for Castle to start talking. I thought it wasn't the best idea right now to start asking myself. He sipped more wine before he started talking.

"Alexis is going to Stanford in January with Ashley." He sounded so heartbroken. He loved his daughter very much and if it would be up to him then he wouldn't let Alexis to go anywhere. He wanted her all to himself. But he knew he was going to let go someday. And looked like that day might come sooner than he had hoped.

"Oh, Castle." I scooped closer to him and put my arm around his shoulders to comfort him. "How she's going to do that? I thought she had one year left of high school."

Castle sighed. He but his wine class on the table and then buried his face into his hands. "She's got enough credit to graduate in fall." He mumbled into his palms.

My hand was stroking his arm as I told him "You knew this day was coming soon. You have 7 months before she goes and you were the one who encouraged her to forgive Ashley and to keep going strong. It was only matter of time before she leaves the home. She is 18 already. She is a grown young woman ready to face the world independently. At least she isn't going to Oxford as she thought she wanted." I felt him relax. "You have to let go."

"Yeah, I guess so. But it's hard to imagine not having her around all the time. I've had her for 18 years of my life and every time I go home I know she's there waiting for me and studying. I'm gonna feel so lonely when she goes. I'm gonna visit her all the time." I felt so sorry for him. I couldn't imagine what that felt like. He was so close with Alexis. "I'm gonna miss playing tag with her or our little poker nights." He sighed and drank more wine.

I pulled away but stayed close to him as I felt that he was now relaxed. "I don't recommend visiting her too often. She might get mad at you. It would be her first time moving away and trust me she would want to spend a lot of time away from home. Let her be. Don't worry too much cause I know that she would miss you too much and visit you more often than regular teenager. She is a person on her own. I've never met someone like her. I can't believe that Alexis is your daughter. She turned out perfect."

"Yeah, I know. Maybe it's because she was raising me not the other way around. Even her friends haven't influenced her at all although I know her friends aren't that pure and innocent as Alexis." He seemed okay now. Our classes were empty so he poured us more wine.

We talked for hour and I don't even remember about what. The wine bottle was empty before I could notice how much we had drank. I remember him telling me some funny story and we both were laughing so hard that it hurt. One moment we were talking and at next moment we stopped laughing as our eyes connected. Our heads started to lean closer to each other.

My heartbeats quickened but before our lips touched he pulled away and said "I should go home." He got up and started walking towards front door. I got up to stop him but he said "Good night" and was out of the door before I had a chance to tell him I wasn't with Josh anymore. I thought about running after him but I didn't want to look to desperate.

I leaned against the door, slid down and sat on the floor. I gave myself another reason to not follow him 'cause I was a coward – he was still upset about Alexis' decision.

I made my way to the living room, picked up empty wine bottle and wine classes and but those in kitchen. As I went to my bedroom I couldn't help but look towards the front door. I changed my clothes and crawled into bed.

I couldn't fall asleep. My thoughts were making it impossible. I looked at the clock. I had rolled around in my bed for two hours. All I could think about was how much I wanted to kiss Castle but I was fucking coward and didn't tell him about Josh or run after him. I hated myself for that 'cause otherwise I'd definitely would be with Castle right now. I miss him.

And now thanks to me we have another situation that we're never going to talk about again.

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><p><em>AN: I hoped you liked it. As I started this chapter I had no idea what to write but I'm clad what came out. Please read the other story that I started to write as soon as I published the first chapter of If Only. I'll end this story and then I'll continue that. _

_Please review your opinions on this story. _


	3. Knockout  Part 1

_A/N: I just updated the story but I'm bored so I start the third and final chapter. If reviews inspire me enough then I might even think of writing an epilog. I might even spilt this chapter into two parts but I'll figure it out as I'm writing. _

_Warning: My first language is Estonian so I might have some mistakes (I've been learning English for 6 years so far)_

_Disclaimer: I don't own Castle._

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><p><em><strong>Knockout – Part 1<strong>_

The Captain's death was shocking. I still couldn't stop crying. It had been 3 hours ago when Captain sacrificed himself to protect me. Castle was the one who brought me home. Right now he was holding me while I sobbed. He let me cry silently. Even he cried. He didn't sob but the tears were soaking his cheeks.

I was basically sitting on his lap and was holding him tightly around his waist.. My head was buried into his chest and he had his arms wrapped around me. He had rested his chin on top of my head. I felt safe in his arms.

I wasn't mad at him anymore because of the fight. I think I forgave him as Montgomery was on suicide mission. I admit he was right. I had to step away so people in my life wouldn't be in danger and now thanks to my stubbornness my Captain was dead. If I had stepped out of this then he'd still be alive. But I can't step away from it. I can't fail my mother. I have to get justice and find the person who ordered Coonan to kill her.

This case was just too important to me. I couldn't let go now. It had been a part of my life for over ten years. The recent incidents proved that we were closer than ever to finding the person who ordered my mom's murder. I had to find those files that Montgomery stole. I knew that somewhere in those files is the answer to all of this. Too many people had already died because of this and I had to stop this before someone else would die. I didn't care what would happen to me if I tried to solve if but I didn't want the boys, Lanie, my father, Castle or his family to get hurt because of this. I had to stop it soon.

As we fought Castle bought up Josh. Every time he did that I felt guilty about not telling him. I hate how our fight ended. I was so mad at him that I never wanted to see him again. But I was clad that he was there when Captain was killed.

Part of me hated him for dragging me away from there but if he wouldn't have dragged me away from there all three of us could be dead right now and I can't to that to Alexis or Martha.

We both were crying as he held me against the car, his hand on my mouth. He was trying to calm me down. I just held onto him cause the moment he dragged me out of there I knew Montgomery was gonna die. I don't hate him for dragging me out of there 'cause I know that he really didn't want to leave Captain there to die.

I feel sorry for Captain's wife 'cause they just had their anniversary and he promised to retire but before he could he died. I can imagine what Captain's kids are going through. At least they know their dad died as a hero.

I couldn't believe that Roy had hidden the truth from me for so long. He had proven how good actor he was. He didn't even try to stop us investigating who the third cop was. He even encouraged us. It was like he was testing if we were good enough investigators. He was waiting for us to figure it out by ourself. I wonder what he did with those files he stole. I hated that he didn't tell me the name. He obviously knew exactly who was behind it but he took the secret with us as he died. I had to find those files someday so I could finally get justice. But now wasn't the time to deal with it yet. He had died only few hours ago.

Castle was running his fingers through my hair as if he was trying to calm himself down also. My sobbing soon stopped and I began to relax. I pulled away slightly but we were still wrapped in each others arms. I looked in his eyes. I didn't care how I looked like right now after all that crying.

We just stared into each others eyes for what felt like hours and then he whispered in hoarse voice "I'm sorry."

He was probably apologizing because of our fight. I told him "I've forgiven you." I really didn't like how my voice sounded after all this crying.

And then he had to ruin the moment. "Where's Josh?"

I sighed. I knew this day would come soon. "He hasn't been in my life for two weeks now."

He looked at me questionably. So I said "I broke up with him." I started to ramble. "I didn't know how to tell you and also I was a coward not using the moments I had to tell you and-"

He just but a finger on my lips to stop me from talking and then he lowered his head to mine. My heart started pounding hard as his face came closer to mine. I was looking him into the eyes and then his lips. I liked my lips as the memory of our first kiss entered my mind. I saw him looking my lips also. And then my eyes closed. I felt his hot breath on my face. I don't remember who closed the distance between us but at one moment our lips touched. His lips were even softer than I remembered. Our kiss was sweet and loving at first. Then it changed into something passionate. My hands went up to his hair. One of his hands was in my hair, the other was around my waist holding me as close to him as possible. As I pulled away – from the most amazing kiss that I have ever had – to breath, his lips found their way on my neck. He left many small kisses there and then found my lips again.

I don't remember how long we kissed but it took my mind away from Captain's death. Finally when we stopped our make out session, I wondered why the hell I didn't tell him about Josh earlier. All I could think was how much I loved him.

"I'm sorry. I just had to do it. Montgomery's death made me realize how short our life can be." He started to pull away while he apologized.

I hold him tight so he couldn't escape anywhere. "Don't be." I looked into his eyes. "I'm not." And then I kissed him lightly on the lips. I felt that he was a little surprised by this 'cause at first he didn't respond to the kiss but as he started to kiss me back I pulled back.

"I guess now we can talk about the things that we never talk about." He said and stroke my cheek with the back of his hand. I leaned into his touch and closed my eyes.

I sighed. "I guess so. But not right now. We can talk about it after the funeral and then figure out what we are also."

He chuckled slightly. "The fight really broke a lot of tension between us."

I rested my forehead against his and nodded. "Yeah."

The memory of Captain lying there dead came back to my mind and I felt new tears rolling down my cheek. Castle took my face between his hands and whipped the tears away with his thumbs.

"Hey, it's going to be okay. We have each other now. We can get through this." He whispered.

I nodded. He kissed my forehead. "He was my mentor. He was like a second father to me."

"I know. You know, why I came that night and asked you to step away?" I shook my head. "Your father came to me one night." I pulled away to look into his eyes. I was surprised. Why my dad had met up with Castle one night? Castle answered that question before I could ask it. "He asked me how dangerous that guy was and then he told me he had already lost his wife because of this. He told me you wouldn't listen if he would've asked you to step away of this. He asked me to ask you to step away." I felt now guilty that my father had to go though this. It would break him completely if I'd die. I'm the only one who still holds him together. Castle continued "And then next evening it was Montgomery who told me the same thing. He knew he couldn't stop you himself but he believed that I had that power." Of course Captain had asked this. He tried to tear me away from it years ago but he couldn't and gave up.

"I'm sorry for yelling at you that day." I apologized resting my forehead against his again.

"It's okay. I understand. Your mother's case is important to you." He said in a low voice.

I kissed him again. The kiss was brief. "I didn't mean it when I told you we are over. I was just so angry at you."

He kissed my forehead and ran his hand through my hair. He really seemed to like my hair. "Don't worry about it."

Then I yawned. "Hey, maybe I should go home and let you rest. It's been very exhausting day." What did he mean by going home? I didn't want to be alone right now.

So I said "Stay." I leaned against his chest, closed my eyes and yawned again.

He nodded. He scooped me up in his arms, rose from the couch and carried me into my bedroom. He set me down to my bed and sat on the edge. I patted on the space next to me. He got the message and laid down next to me after taking of his jacket. I moved closer to him and rested my head on his chest. I put my hand around his waist. He put his hands around me and hold me safely in his arms. He kissed the top of my head.

It didn't take me long to fall asleep. His heartbeats sounded like a lullaby for me. And for the first time in months my sleep was calm and dreamless.

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><p><em>AN: So I decided to write it in two parts. I'm moving tomorrow and I don't know when I'll have internet to update. I don't have much time do finish this chapter before I move (It's already 10 PM here in Estonia) so I updated the part that I've written so far. _

_The reviews keep me going on but please review more. I would really appreciate it. _


	4. Knockout Part 2

_A/N: So now I driving to my new place. The back of my mom's car is full of my stuff. Our drive is 3,5 hours long but we've already driven an hour. I was bored and so I decided to take out my macbook and start writing. My mom just asked me what I'm writing there so I told her. She says that it good for me to practice my english while writing stories. _

_Edit: I have a writer's block I think. I know how to end the story but I have no idea what to write between. Also I've been occupied with finally watching Firefly and Serenity. I can't understand why I didn't watch it earlier. I regret seeing Castle before Firefly because I missed all the fun with finding the Firefly references in Castle. I admit I love Firefly more than Castle 'cause Nathan Fillon is such a badass there. At first I thought of Nathan Fillon as Rick Castle, but now I see him as Captain Malcolm Reynolds . It doesn't mean that I don't like Castle anymore. I love it. I can't wait for season 4 and more Firefly references. _

_Edit: I know it's been almost a month from my last update but I had writer's block and I was busy (it's lame excuse 'cause I really wasn't this busy). School started, I've found new friends and I've already moved twice since last update but now that I've found new classmate who writes fanfics also I decided to continue. _

_Let's pretend season 4 never happened the way the writers are writing it. OK?_

_So here goes part 2 (Btw there will be part 3 also. It's the day of the funeral and it won't fit into this chapter by it's content.)_

_Warning: My first language is Estonian so I might have some mistakes (I've been learning English for 7 years (actually, not 6) so far)_

_Disclaimer: I don't own Castle._

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><p><em><strong>Knockout – Part 2<strong>_

I woke up quite early. I was still wrapped in Castle's arms. Our legs were tangled together. It felt nice to wake up next to him. I raised head to look at him. I placed my hands on his chest and rested my chin on them so it was easier for me to look him.

He looked so cute. His hair was messed up and his lips slightly parted. I had an urgent need to kiss his lips. I lifted myself a little and lowered my lips on his. I felt that he woke up 'cause next second his hand was in my hair and he was kissing me back. He moaned and said against my lips "I would love to wake up like this every morning. I think it's the best wake up I've ever had." I smiled against his lips and then sighed.

I pulled away while I talked. "Ryan and Esposito will be here in couple of hours. We need to talk about Captain." He started to stroke my back wile I talked to comfort me.

I rested my head against his chest again as he talked. "What we'll tell them?"

"The truth. Montgomery died as hero to us. It only made him want to be better cop. He was dragged into this mess by Raglan and McCallister. He didn't want this to happen but the gun went off and killed Bob Arman. He tried to protect me from this." I wanted to cry but there were no tears left.

He realized that I didn't want to talk about it anymore. It's like he read my mind. "What do you want for breakfast?" he asked.

I pulled away to look him into his eyes and smiled when I told him "How about pancakes?"

He smiled also "I make amazing pancakes. Too bad you didn't have any time to eat them last time." I remembered the last time.

It was the time when a body was dropped of in front of my door and then my apartment blew up also. I am only alive thanks to Castle who figured it out and called me on time to warn me. I had enough time to dive into my bathtub before the explosion.

I got up and pulled Castle with me. I hugged him tightly. As I let go I told him "I'm going to shower."

He nodded and said "I'm going to make us some pancakes. Take your time." He kissed my forehead and went to kitchen.

I took my change clothes with me and went to the bathroom. I took of my clothes and stepped into the shower. I slowly washed myself with warm water. I immediately relaxed. I wanted to enjoy the hot water longer but it water started to get colder. I stepped out of the shower and then dried myself. I left my hair to dry naturally. I put on my clothes and walked out of the bathroom.

As soon as I stepped out sweet smell of pancakes filled my nose. I smiled to myself. The smell made my stomach grumble so I went to the kitchen.

Castle had found my apron that I almost never used. It was a gift from Lanie. And of course knowing Lanie she had bought me something silly. There was a text on the apron that read "Kiss the cook". Castle was so into cooking that he didn't notice me enter. I just walked behind him, then turned him around and kissed him. He was surprised at first but then he smiled against my lips and said "It's an interesting apron you have here. I thought you didn't cook much."

We stood there in kitchen in each others arms. "It's a gift from Lanie."

"Oh, then I understand. Sit down and I will serve you." He ordered me. So I let go of him and sat down.

He soon finished making pancakes and sat down with me. We ate in silence. I had do admit – the writer can cook. I looked at the clock. The boys would be arriving in 2 hours. I sighed.

Then Rick said "I should go home and change. I still haven't told my mom and daughter about Montgomery."

I nodded and asked "Did you told them where you were last night?"

"I texted Alexis that I won't be coming home and that she didn't have to worry." We reached instinctively for each other and linked our fingers over the table. I think it was for reassuring that we were still very alive.

We finished our breakfast in silence and then we got up and walked to the door. We hugged each other for a long time.

Without breaking our embrace Castle asked "What to we tell Ryan and Esposito about us?"

"Nothing, yet. Let's figure this 'us' before we tell anyone." I said and kissed his nose.

"I can't hide it from Alexis and my mother. If they figure it out then I'll have to tell them." I nodded then let go of him.

He opened the door, kissed my forehead and said "See you in hour and half."

He walked out of the door and I said to him "See you."

When he left I started to clean my apartment. I didn't want to think about Captains death.

In an hour Ryan was the first one to arrive. He had been there that night after the shooting with Esposito. He pulled me into a hug. He hugged me really rarely. It was nice and comforting. He and Esposito are like brothers to me.

About 5 minutes later Esposito arrived. He, like Kevin, pulled me into brotherly hug. They both sat down on the couch. I waited for Castle sitting in the kitchen.

I saw that Esposito and Ryan where discussing something quietly. It looked like they were apologizing about something to each other. I didn't want to interrupt them. And then I heard a light knock on the door.

I got up quickly and opened the door for Castle.

"Hi." I said slightly smiling.

He greeted me with "Hi" and then looked past me and called out to the boys "Hi, guys."

The cheerfulness that usually filled his voice was gone for now. I hadn't heard it much lately. Last night it wasn't fully there. Captain had just died. We had time to be happy afterwards but now we all were thinking of Roy.

He looked at me with concerned look on his face. I smiled a sad smile. He understood that I needed comfort right now and hugged me tightly. I buried my face into his chest. He hold me until I was ready to let go.

We all sat down. Ryan and Esposito needed to hear the whole story. It was going to be a long afternoon. At least I had them.

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><p><em>AN: I'm so sorry for the wait but I hope you like it. _


	5. Knockout Part 3

_A/N: I started to write this story almost 9 months ago and I'm mad at myself that I never can finish things that I start but this chapter will be the end of this story... finally!_

_Warning: My first language is Estonian so I might have some mistakes. _

_Disclaimer: I don't own Castle._

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><p><em><strong>Knockout – Part 3<strong>_

It was the day of the funeral. Castle had been coming here every day. He actually wanted to stay every night to keep an eye on me but I didn't let him 'cause he had his family also.

We weren't acting like a couple yet. Castle understood that I needed some time to cope with Montgomery's death but he was there when I needed him.

Actually I needed him every night but I knew that his daughter was scared and needed to be sure that her dad was there for her. Alexis wasn't close to Roy but she knew that there was something much more bigger going on that his father told her. She wasn't stupid. She was scared for his father's life. So was I.

This night I really needed him. So I finally said yes when he asked to stay for the night. At night we just laid in each others arms and talked all night. We retold every funny story or amazing memory that we had about Montgomery. He was really great man.

We told each other good night but I didn't fall asleep yet. I thought about our relationship. We loved each other and we both knew it, but we hadn't said it yet. I felt need to do it 'cause I felt that something bad was going to happen soon.

So I lifted my lips to his ear and whispered "I love you, Rick Castle." He was already sleeping but he mumbled something. I think one word that he said was 'love'. I smiled to myself and fell asleep.

When I woke up Rick wasn't in the bed anymore. I heard him doing something in the kitchen. I rose from the bed, went to bathroom, combed my hair and brushed my teeth. Then I went to join Rick in the kitchen.

He was busy cooking omelets. As he saw me, he smiled slightly and said "Good morning, Kate."

I loved when he called me Kate. He didn't do it often so it felt special every time he did this. I think that when we are married we will still call each other 'Castle' and 'Beckett'. Whoa, where that came form? 'When we are married...'? We just started dating. Oh, well, who I'm kidding? We will definitely get married some day. I know that certainly.

I washed those thoughts from my head and replied with a smile "Good morning, Writer Boy." and sat down.

"Are you hungry?" He asked.

"Not really, but I still need to make it trough the day without collapsing from not eating." I wasn't hungry but I knew I needed to eat something.

Castle nodded and laid the table. We ate in silence.

Funeral was going to take place in 5 hours. Martha, Alexis and my dad where also going to come to captain's funeral. My dad was going to pick them up from the apartment so Castle didn't have to go home and leave me alone to pick them up. Rick also had taken the clothes for the funeral with him when he came over for the night.

I suspect that this was my father's idea. I know he wouldn't want me to be alone right now and he trusts Rick. I didn't mind it though. I felt vulnerable, but with Rick by my side, I also felt safe.

Rick rose to wash the dishes, while I showered. As I finished Rick went to shower himself.

I was reading "Hell Hath No Fury'' when Rick came out from the bathroom. Of course he saw his book and smiled.

"I knew you were my biggest fan." His smile didn't leave his face. It made me forget about Roy.

"Well, I am not a fan. I just enjoy reading." I answered him.

"Yeah, right. I bet you have memorized this book." He smirked. He was totally right actually. I can't even count the times I've read it.

I put on my best poker face and said: "Actually I'm reading it for the second time 'cause I can't remember what it was about."

"Oh, keep telling yourself that and then you might even start to believe it yourself." With that he had won this argument.

He sat down on the couch next to me. I put the book down and scooped a little closer to him until I was pressed against his right side. He put his arm around me squeezed my shoulder slightly. I rested my head on his shoulder. It felt so natural.

"I've waited for a long time to be by your side like this." He said. "I know it didn't happen perfectly and the start was a bit of a mess but I'm still happy it happened." He kissed the top of my head.

I turned my head and faced him: "It wasn't a mess and it was perfect. It was then or some time far in the future and I chose then. And I'm clad we made that choice."

Our faces came closer until he closed the space between our lips. We hadn't shared a kiss like this for days. At first our lips touched gently, then they parted and kiss became a bit more passionate. His left hand lifted my legs over his so I almost sat on his lap. My hands where on his neck and his hair. He still was cautious from where to touch me or how to kiss me. I was the one who led the way. I opened my mouth a little bit more and gently licked his bottom lip and then your tongues touched. I enjoyed it. I bit his lower lip and continued. He responded with the same and so our kiss continued. What I did, did he also. We didn't pull apart I think for 20 minutes. Good thing we also have noses to breath through.

As we finally pulled apart, we were lying on the couch. Rick was on top of me and I enjoyed his weight on me. He tried to lift himself but I hold him tight. We looked into each others eyes.

And then he said: "You know we still have a lot of time until we have to go" He avoided the word funeral. I could tell it from his eyes. "I know an awesome space cowboy movie that you should definitely see. I know you will love it."

"If you think so." I said with a smile. If he was happy, so was I. And I knew that the movie and Rick's nerdyness would take my mind off of the sad things. He even had made me forget about my mom's murder. I knew he was right. I needed to step back from it. It was time to move on. Maybe some day when I'm ready again I will continue to investigate it.

Rick opened Netflix and but the movie on. I made myself comfy against him and started to watch the movie while Rick was quoting every spaceship's captain line.

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><p><em>AN: Oh my god. I can't believe I finally finished a chapter again. There is going to be part 4 also. When I finally get around to write it I think I will even make an epilog. _


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